im tired

I don't know what is happening to me.. I just felt incapable and powerless nowadays.. so many things in my head keep playing again and again to the extend that i felt so sick about it.. im tired of having to consider other people's point of view before making any request or statement.. they all have problems, i know.. but seriously, can somebody, anybody just stop and kindly ask me how the hell im doing over here? it seems that i am the only person to care enough for them.. that is not fair.. i have been doing it since forever, taking myself to the last position in the hierarchy of priority.. prioritize others.. and im deeply and sorely in pain..

i cant even talk about this to shikin.. shes soo busy.. and i don't want to disturb her.. my family, they sounded like they know what im going through here.. but they seriously don't.. and im tired of that.. im just simply tired..

i'll be having practical exams on friday followed by clinical skill exam on the following monday.. back to back.. yet, im far from being ready.. my brain is too occupied with shitty things and as much as im worried right now, i still couldn't find the right mood to study.. i don't blame the problems for making me think soo much.. i, consciously choose to do so.. i have chosen to play over the problems in my head, with an occassional review of my late grandma whom had just passed away.. and im worse than ever.. plus, im having fever and severe cough this few days.. well done me.. that is just great..

can't talk about this with my friends, simply because i am too complicated to be understood by anyone.. (eventho im the best in understanding anyone), and try to find distractions.. just to swift my mind away for at least a minute.. its hard to even find a friend to chat other than my housemates.. hmm..

feeling a bit relieved writing this down.. a bit.. tiny bit.. and that is ok with me