songs2!!!!

im currently in oncology. learning god knows what.. have at least few more days to steal some hours of guitar playing and the worse part is, i totally ran out of idea what song to learn.. damn it! not now baim, think of a song, think!! think!!! gosh, still couldn't find any..

currently still playing:
1- jason mraz - a beautiful mess
2- rosi golan - hazy

looking for more! more!

when i'm bored, God, i think a lot (it rhymes)

its 2nd raya today, tired for doing nothing.. arghhh.. bored.. how i wish it was me on that plane to malaysia last friday.. unfortunately, i have to spend another raya for the 2nd consecutive time here in makassar..

im having this little weird feeling though, as for who I really am and such.. those sort of things or questions or dilemmas that one usually face when one has too many extra time to think.. im starting to doubt myself, am i really the person i always thought i am..? or am I someone who i once believed i'm not? or is this whole sick mind questions meant to be temporary in nature? or maybe i'm just to scared to admit? i'm questioning the very presence of questions which brought more questions.. sigh.. and heck, i don't have any answer..

its been a wile

it has been quite a long time since i last wrote anything here.. hhhhhh.. tired.. my special sense theory exam is in 2 days, and i am so far, very far away from finishing even a quarter of the things i should study, or more precisely, memorize.. starting to have fever..

i'm currently on ophthalmology, probably if i can make it through all of it and still be alive i'll be proceeding to otorhinolaryngology before wrap all up with dermatology.. seriously, people will have to take months to just cover up one part, but i have to cover up 3, which had been taught all at once in less than a month!! crazy..

can't spend too much time on the blog..however, its nice to finally get to write again.. will be updating on how the exam goes later..

Holiday ---- end!

Happy ramadhan..
i've been around in my hometown for almost 2 months (accumulative), and for a lot of reasons, i think this holiday is just not enough for me..
going back in few days.. so sad.. nak bwat macam mane.. damn it!

anyway, i just hope these last few days would be more than meaningful to me.. the next time i'll be stepping foot on this land (Malaysia), eating its delicious foods and hanging out with my family and my girlfriend would be next year! probably february if not on july. haaaaaa...

goodbye goodtimes, hello BOREDOM and SADNESS and TENSE

acoustic cover 2

acoustic cover 1

the latest me.. (still fat, still the same)

this is the latest me.. shikin wanted to see the pics so i put them on my blog.. haha.. im soo fat that most of the time i'm so embarassed with her, but anything for u darling..

this is me and ipin.. (above)right after the dinner, bloated tummy.. em.. dinner wasn't that bad.. but definitely not as delicious as the previous one.. but ate sooo many of the chickens, beefs n etc..

this is the picture of me and rashid.. (above)

and finally the picture of me alone..(above) haii.. bile la nak kurus ni?? hahaha.. (never think of that actually, so that is my problem).. hehe

SHORT STORY 1 - title : miss her

there he was, lying on the bed.. alone.. he looked at the time on his phone, "god, it is still not her lunch time yet.." he whispered.. dark gloomy room rised an emotionally stressed mood as he stared at the ceiling, waiting for the time to pass by.. here is the thing about time that he could never figure out so far, time is always long for those who is waiting and short, very short indeed for those who don't..

he turned to his right side and grab his fluffy bolster and wrapped his arms around it.. he tried to shut his eyes, wanting to fall asleep.. but he simply can't.. missing someone is that terrible.. and as he moved swiftly to the left side, he realized that his phone was out of sight.. his heart stopped.. it was rather a crazy moment.. like a lightning bolt, he stood fast and spread his vision wide while both hands palpating every inch of the bed.. he found it finally, under his pillow.. what a relieve..

he laid back again, and noticed that it was the right time to make the phone call.. he didn't need to scroll the name on the list, it was as simple as pressing the call button, and the previous dialled number will always be her number.. he pressed the call button again and placed the phone on his right ear.. he started smiling even at the first beep of the phone call.. when she finally picked up, he smiled even more..

-----------BM TRANSLATION---------

her : hello! (cheerful voice with a very noisy background)

him : assalamualaikum....

her : waalaikumussalam.... (with a very cute voice, the kind that soothes the heart of mother-in-laws)

him : what are you doing?

her : im having lunch at the moment, have u finished your exam?

him : yup, it was in the morning, i just get back from solat jumaat..

her : ooh.. how was it?

him : it was ok

her : er.. emm.. sayang, im having lunch..

him : yup, its ok, go ahead.. (2 seconds pause).. i miss you sooo much..

her : i miss you too, its going to be ok, we will meet up soon

him : emm (disagreeing in silence).. ok then.. love u.. mmmuahh3! bye

her : love u too, mmmuahhh3!! bye

--------END OF CONVERSATION---------

he hung up the phone.. smiling wide, probably to himself if not to the ceiling.. (there is no point smiling at the ceiling anyway).. he took the blanket and covered himself in it.. hugging the bolster tight.. shut his eyes slowly.....

it was approximately 30 seconds later when he figured out that there is actually no way he can ever go to sleep.. (sigh).. then the whole circle of things happened again.. holding phone.. staring at it.. pressed the call button once (to check), and waited and at the same time arguing with himself wether or not to press the call button for the 2nd time (to call).. minutes later he decided to press the button, surrendering to the urge and call from the little voice in his head, saying "hello!! just press the damn button and call her and tell her how much u miss her!!!"...

so he called again, and told her he miss her soo much.. and she was either annoyed or touched, he honestly cant tell.. he wanted to give her a call the 3rd time, but he was afraid that by any chance such action could lead to discomfort of her lunch time.. (he can never do anything that he feel would make her feel discomfort as he loves her so much, too much maybe)..

he struggled hard to sleep.. and he made it.. and he slept for 2 hours..

*him/he - ME

*her/she - MY SHIKHIN

THE END

changes..

i am bored, so i publish this post.. i cant sleep and go through all the pictures in my computer and while i glanced over my old pictures, it occured to me - how on earth i end up the way i am now? physically speaking.. its a bit funny.. haha.. so i just want to share this in my blog..

this is what i used to look like after PMR.. i was 14 at the time.. i couldn't believe what i see, can u? hahaha..

this is what i used to be on the grand dinner at the end of my high-school senior year.. age-16. hehe..

and this is a couple of months later when i started my post-school job as a promoter for medical education at education fair malaysian-wide.. age-17

this is what i recently looked like at the age of 20.. different eh? i know.. weird me.. this picture was taken 2 3 months ago..

this is what i looked like at the moment.. haha

i've changed a lot physically.. but i always believe, no matter how much a person changes physically, the foundation that made the person who he or she is will always remain the same.. well, it is supposed to.. goodnight!!

new background

haha.. just feel like trying new background for my blog.. haha.. simpsons.. kinda nice anyway.. i wanted to put fashion background earlier, the one with lots of LV logos and colorful.. just to make my gf jealous, but think of it again, that is too girly for me.. hehe..

Miss her! wanna see her!

im starting to feel frustrated, no, VERY frustrated with the current rumors about hematology short semester.. there is a big chance that i will not be able to go back to malaysia at all.. damn it! so sad.. i really want to go back.. see my family, see her... miss all of them so much.. i heard mama is getting thinner nowadays..

there are lots of things i want to do back in my country.. sigh..

i miss my darling shikhin soooo much.. i keep staring at her pics so many times that i feel even sadder.. i wrote her a song and played it already through the phone.. if she can catch the wordings, she would notice that at the end of second verse, i said "i miss u baby, so why wont u just come to me".. hehe (ayat pancing).. since i cant go back. it would be a dream come true for me if she comes here instead..

here are some pics she send to me recently.. how pretty.. sometimes, nope, most of the time i feel that i dont deserve her..

i dont get it when she said shes fat and all.. i dont think this is even near to fat..

soooooo beautiful.. its like the prettiest being i ever seen.. nobody else is as pretty to me.. and i mean it with every cells of my body..

im tired

I don't know what is happening to me.. I just felt incapable and powerless nowadays.. so many things in my head keep playing again and again to the extend that i felt so sick about it.. im tired of having to consider other people's point of view before making any request or statement.. they all have problems, i know.. but seriously, can somebody, anybody just stop and kindly ask me how the hell im doing over here? it seems that i am the only person to care enough for them.. that is not fair.. i have been doing it since forever, taking myself to the last position in the hierarchy of priority.. prioritize others.. and im deeply and sorely in pain..

i cant even talk about this to shikin.. shes soo busy.. and i don't want to disturb her.. my family, they sounded like they know what im going through here.. but they seriously don't.. and im tired of that.. im just simply tired..

i'll be having practical exams on friday followed by clinical skill exam on the following monday.. back to back.. yet, im far from being ready.. my brain is too occupied with shitty things and as much as im worried right now, i still couldn't find the right mood to study.. i don't blame the problems for making me think soo much.. i, consciously choose to do so.. i have chosen to play over the problems in my head, with an occassional review of my late grandma whom had just passed away.. and im worse than ever.. plus, im having fever and severe cough this few days.. well done me.. that is just great..

can't talk about this with my friends, simply because i am too complicated to be understood by anyone.. (eventho im the best in understanding anyone), and try to find distractions.. just to swift my mind away for at least a minute.. its hard to even find a friend to chat other than my housemates.. hmm..

feeling a bit relieved writing this down.. a bit.. tiny bit.. and that is ok with me

Chronic systemic i.miss.her.itis disease..

I miss my syg so much... so much... I wish she could be here.. i do.. In life, one thing that i've learned through experiences is that we cannot always get what we wanted.. i want her so badly now but thousands of miles is a bit too far.. Im going through quite a lot lately, and i need her so much.. even the presence of her, live, infront of me can already take half the pain away.. the moment she start talking, another quarter of pain will go away and another quarter would require her to smile at me with that crazy cute smile... and if she hugs me, then all the pain shall be histories.. and i shall feel alive again..

she sent me few pics of her lately, and this is one of it..

I can feel like she is smiling to me.. well, she is smiling to me, but not really infront of me.. too bad.. hope i can see her as soon as possible.. i really think its painfully unbearable nowadays, missing her...

Al-fatihah

Life and death are both separated to each other with a line thinner than we always thought..  one moment u smile and laugh and cook great foods, and the next moment u lie on the hospital bed and leave everyone to pursue the eternal journey.. thats how it is.. thats how it always be.. and often, us, the living, able to take lesson from it.. the lesson that has been tought in our beautiful religion, that every living being will meet their end.. and the end is on His hand.. 

Al-fatihah to my late grandmother who passed away last friday.. it hurts not to be there.. im sorry nani.. i did not make it to both my grandparents funeral.. but deep down, i know that they are proud of me, and they would understand that my education demands me to be far apart, and that they will always love me just as much as i love them... I too shall meet my end one day, and I'll be waiting to hear from both of u when my time comes..

As a living being, all i can do is to pray for u, learn from your teachings, from your actions and from your mistakes.. and play the memories we had together occasionally.. love u nani...

Al-fatihah

MEMORIES.............

i love to imagine the future, how it will be like when i finally have a successful medical career and how my life will be with her.. emm.. but sometimes, i just love to think about memories that we have together.. we simply can't be thinking about future all the time, can we? sometimes i took my time off and just let the memories played around my head for a while.. (for a while can be up to hourss).. hmm..

it started from the end of our high school era, when we both graduated from MJSC Bitara Langkawi.. Tsunami.. me smsing asking how she was.. i never really know why instead of other friends in kedah, i chose to sms her.. and only her.. i wasn't that close to her anyway in langkawi.. but nak kate ape kan, its a jodoh.. a match made from heaven.. anyway, we were still very young..

budak2 lagi mase ni

then we started out seriously on 1st of March 2006.. she probably never knew this.. or maybe she did, but not as much.. that i was an extremely

 happy and lucky boy when she said yes.. so so extremely

 happy.. from time to time, as our love grows stronger, we faced another big challenge.. me going

 overseas.. well, its a tough time for us then as it it now.. but things are ok between us.. still remember going to uitm and picked her up.. i cant do it everyday, but at least, i did it lots of time when im around.. thats the best i can do, and she knows 

very well that she always gets the best of me..

uitm, after her class, ya allah lamenye tunggu, berpeluh2 i

notice the picture above? shes wearing her favourite baju kurung.. so lovely.. so cute.. so pretty... she really is the LOVE of my life.. never thought of anyone but her.. emm..

then, things get ugly for a while.. but alhamdulillah, everything turned out to be just fine.. and i don't wish to elaborate on that matter..

here is the funny memory, there was this one time when i kept my hair very long and she did too, and people say that our hair looked so much alike.. haha.. seriously..

cewah, mcm bertunang plak..

shes soo pretty

see? i told u.. same kan? it was during abglong's engagement.. 

this is the first meet-the-family session for her and everything

 goes well.. keep on reading and i tell u my meet-the-family story..

haha

here is another pics of both of us with long hair.. at the airport.. seriously.. kitorg ni kalau jumpe mesti melekat je, unless with the presence of family.. 

the most favourite spot of dating is none other than sunway pyramid.. haha.. why? because i cant drive too far because i simply dont have a driving license yet.. movies, window shopping, starbucks, secret recipe, chicken rice shop, 1901 hotdog, baskin robbin n etc..

my family, after knowing her, fell inlove instantly.. we celebrated her birthday.. we means everyone in the family plus uncle yang and his family and some of the cousins.. imagine!!! baru je kenal and dah so rapat.. she called my mum and dad, mama and babah anyway.. how close they get in such short time..

the whole family celebrating..

my brothers, sister inlaw and her.. (that is my guitar anway)

malu2

finally, after a long time, i cut my hair.. why? because i was invited to her big bro's wedding.. i dont hesitate cutting the hair since i need to appear clean and smart during the meet-the-family session.. haha.. in the pic, me, her and aunty rozaina (her mama).. up untill now, i always tried to tackle her heart, but xtau la wether she likes me or not.. it was a crazy journey to the north.. banyak sgt halangan, but i made it safely there.. cant forget the details..

i hope aunty rozaina in the pic above is smiling to me.. hope.. hahaha.. i dont think so..

anyway

then finally, we both cut our hair short.. fair.. and it was before i came back to indonesia.. emm.. 

haiii, comelnye..... geram plak...

then the saddest moment always comes at the end of my holiday.. far2 away.. miss her soo much every second.. the only ways are calling and yming which hardly cure the 'miss u like crazy' symptoms.. haha

this is how i ym her all the time.. hehe.. sweet eh? double J..

love u syg.. wherever u are.. u r still mine and i m still yours.. love u so so much and miss you sooooooo much that u have no idea how much it is.. u might think u have the idea, or u might think u miss me more, but im telling u now, that whatever u think, is simply wrong as the ultimate truth is u can never miss me as much as i miss u...

alone

i felt so lonely.. nobody is there for me anymore.. no one.. my family is always busy and if i call, its always their problems to be discussed. 

no one have any idea how tensed i am nowadays... 

my gf, somehow she started to avoid me.. she doesnt have time for me most of the time even when she is not busy.. i felt alone.. she doesnt understand me, maybe she thinks that i have changed, but seriously, is it so hard to assume that i am depressed?? she once told me that i appeared to be feelinglesss.. everybody, please!!! im simply tensed!!!! 

just tired of all the problems.. im strong enough not to feel suicidal, but not strong enough to face everything.. will be in my angry rebellious mode for quite sometime..

 

Depression

i have so many problems. 

lots and lots of problems.

If possible, whatever problems that come across me, i would love to solve them there and then so that i can feel a little lighter.. problems that can be solved should be solved as fast as possible.. 

im tensed

im tensed and problematic

but i always wanted to be the person they want me to be.. the person they demand me to be.. untill the day, i stumbled.. fall apart.. 

but i never give up.. i will be that person again.. the person they love..

but i need time and support..

i need a grip, need to hold on to something.. someone..

Happy Anniversary!!!!!

1st March 2006-1st March 2009..

wow!! its already been 3 years. come to think of it, we have been through so much. Sometimes i think i know everything about her but sometimes i dont think i know her at all, sometimes i feel the time is so short, but sometimes i feel the time is so long.. but no matter what i feel, 1 thing for sure is that i love her so much and not even for 1 second i ever doubt myself on that..

been through tears and painful time, and also joy and endless laughter.. I'm so happy and blessed.. Thank You God.. for giving me such an angel to fill my life with so much happiness even when the time i dont deserve it..

Happy Anniversary hun! =)

Don't quit.. Listen

be strong.. life is hard, yes.. but always see positive things even in the calamity or disaster. No one can ever gurantee a success, but the thing that matter is trying hard for it.. Yes, people argue that even when they tried hard enough, they are still not be able to succeed.. well, think again.. Are u 100% sure that u have tried hard enough? 

u will never try hard enough to succeed on things u personally hate, things that u never open your heart to, things that u never give yourself a chance to consider liking, and since u hate it so much, whatever attempts on doing it, even not in your ultimate best effort, is to u, considered hard enough.. which is wrong.. 

there are things in life that demand u to do it without options. everybody, at least once in his or her lifetime, will be put in a situation where he or she has no other options other than doing it (whatever the 'it' is).. So stop thinking about wether or not u should do it, because in the end, u have to do it..So save yourself some time and start thinking of HOW to do it rather than thinking of avoiding the unavoidable.. 

everybody fail once in a while, everybody does.. maybe not infront of u, and maybe not the same time which u fail which sucks, because it will make u feel so low.. but then again, feeling low is understandable.. and at the same time, what matters more is what u do after being low.. if u wanna keep being frustrated, then feel free to do nothing..  but if u want to change, then change.. do something.. one day, which we may never know when, u will start to believe that whatever i said, is right.. and when the day comes, wether or not u regret of not listening to me, or u be glad because u listened to me and it works, totally and solely depends on your decision today.. 

I may not be around that often, and i definitely have no clues what so ever on how long God wants me to be around, (nobody does anyway). All im hoping that somehow, my advises and words which most of them original (hehe, seriously, they are), should be remembered all the time even when they may no longer be heard from me..

I just dont like the feeling here..

haha.. finally.. my holiday dh habis.. and now im back in makassar.. miss malaysia soo much.. miss my family.. miss her.. miss the foods.. movies.. the foods.. (i repeat the food twice, haha)..

so tensed that i have to be far from her again.. emm.. but no worries.. i'll be back again soon.. 

Cant sleep..too excited..

I am either extremely excited or pathologically unstable (meaning = sick) because i was supposed to be sleeping by now and yet here i am, blogging.. God knows how much i needed a nice sleep right now.. but all i can think of is the image of me being home, back where i rightfully belong.. its Subuh already.. Adoi...

i started imagining stuffs.. Things to do later.. What to chat with my family... What to eat.. how to convince mama that salt is the lasting she needed right now without making her bombard me with counter-questions such as "habis tu mama tak payah makan ape2 ke?"..haha.. how to tell everybody why am I still fat when my picture showed a slight shrinkage.. (angles, thats why).. how to answer medical-related questions by everyone without being pressured by their high expectations..(thats the hardest part).. how to sleep early because i dont want my family to notice my sleeping disorder because they might be worried.. emmm

As for my beautiful beloved girl.. How to hug my syg soooooo much without making her feel uncomfortable and say "hey, thats it.. too much, enough!".... haha.. how to make her happy by just being home for her.. how to hang out without money because MARA's might be a little late due to chinese new year..(im so freaking out on this one).. how to walk around the shopping mall, holding hands, intimate, hugging n etc from the very first minute or second if possible, because she normally took some time for the momentum to hits.. how to look her in the eyes and without saying a word, reveals the fact that "hey, i really want you, and only you for the rest of my life and that i will love you forever and that this is not an exaggeration and i really3 mean it,"... "i wanna build a family with you, even more, build a life with you... I'm going to study hard, be a successful doctor and make you proud to have me in your life.."... well, thats quite long for eyes to speak for.. normally requires my mouth to send the whole messages.. but i'll try anyway.. haha..

its 5am already.. =)

FINALLY.... Happy!!!!!!!

im going back to malaysia in the matter of hours.. looking forward to see my family and my girl.. miss them so much.. Things to do upon arrival?? no idea.. things to do during the holiday?? no idea too... but im pretty sure i'll plan them soon.. and pretty sure i'll be using all the precious time doing stuffs that i miss doing and be as efficient as possible in enjoying my holiday..

to my family : see you guys soon.. i'll be bringing my stethoscope

 and

 my portable sphygmomanometer, so i guess i'll be doing some vital signs examination and physical examination or assessment to everybody.. haha.. 

to my syg : see you soon.. hope to enjoy this return as much as we possibly can.. miss u soo much.. sorry about the recent emotional lecture on your safety.. 

please know that i love u so much and i really(x1000) care about your safety

 and well-being.. love u.. wait for me..hehe

*look at the pic, ring any bell?? or bells?? hehe =)

Hate criminals

Statistically, the world is highly populated and dominated by people that chooses to characterized themselves as criminals.. they choose to become bad people under certain circumstances in life that frankly, i dont care.. what i care is that why do they have to commit crimes and be ok with it.. 

Life, even to the baddest or the most evil, should has its values.. But to the criminal's mind, life is just another common over-rated things that they never bother to care.. But again, thats them.. not us.. Being different, or simply being human, human with humanity values should make us contradicts those principles of criminals.. where in contradiction to above statement, life supposed to be at our highest priority.. If we are not criminals, we should value life the way it was supposed to be valued and be therefore, highly appreciated.. 

Safety, peace and happiness are among things in life that often be violated by these criminals.. But, the main question is, why should we make ourselves vulnerable to such threat when we know that we could avoid it?  Be careful and dont risk your life especially if you are someone's beloved and that you have people caring about your safety 24/7.. Dont support inhumanity by providing yourself as the victim.. avoid..

hehe

joking!!!!! mane ade x balik. i syg u la... mesti la balik.. but u do owe me an apology tho.. it hurts..

cancel!

i was so tensed and somehow out of my stupid mind, i called my travel agent and cancelled my ticket back home.. i dont feel like going back simply because my return home is not something that she's been waiting for anymore.. I dont know what is wrong with me coming back, but since there is something wrong, even if i dont know what it is, its a good enough reason for me to cancel the whole plan.. HMMM... Adoi2... 

can't wait

She is rather cheerful today.. compared to last night.. she laughs a lot, perhaps smile a lot (im assuming coz i can't see) and she reflects a sunny shiny blossom flower.. i wonder why.. hmmm.. but im so happy when she is happy.. so so extremely happy.. 1 thing that she doesnt know about me, everytime i called her and listening to her laugh of joy, it makes my heart melted like a nice chocolate chip ice-cream on a hot bright day.. haha.. emmm... HAPPY.. listening to her voice and probably share some of her happiness.. it means a lot to me.. it means the whole entire wide world to me.. 

love her so much and can't wait to see her.. i will hug her so tight.. so much.. so much that she sweats all over me.. so much that she will start thinking that i will never let go of her.. so much that if people walk by us, thay will think that we are siamese twins.. so much that it cant be describe.. literally more than any 'so much' ever.. 

hmm. can't wait.. can u hun? =)

What is it?

I don’t do anything wrong… Do I? I tried to be the ultimate best person for her no matter what matters at stake and no matter what calamities might fall upon me, I will always have one thing in mind; to be the best for her… and by far, I have done everything within my capabilities and some might not even be possible, but I still did it for her.. It’s like she hates me for a reason I don’t know and might never do..

I understand what she’s going through and even sometimes out of my spontaneous half-witted behavior, I might have said something that gave her the idea that I don’t understand her, but the truth is I do, very much and she knows it.. I don’t want to enable her on some negative thoughts sometimes which leads me to argue and stand firm on my argument.. but she knows me well that I do understand everything about her..

I just want to feel important.. I just want to feel that I matter so much to her.. she hides so much and despite my best effort to tell her that I know she is hiding something and despite her knowing that I know, she hides anyway.. what does that make me feel? Hmm.. I intended to find out what is wrong with me and fix it as soon as possible.. good luck ME..

tak jadi surprise!!

Life is full of things that u never expected... as tricky as it might sound, life never fail to provide u with surprises... I planned a few for my beloved ones, but to my own revelation, I found myself ignoring the very rule of secret which is to keep them… (Sigh). Lucky for u my dear, now u can enjoy the non-surprising return of me to Malaysia… haha.. see ya soon!!