........

hmm.. tiring day again.. woke up in the morning and get ready as fast as i can just to found out that my csl class has been cancelled.. tensed, i went back to sleep until 9.30am.. went to my other class that turned out to be more boring than i imagined, plus, the class exceeded its time in the schedule for 40 minutes which made everything even worse.. haha.. had my pbl at 1pm and went home at 3pm.. 

emm.. i am currently not feeling that well.. 

"Baim, bagusla ko skg..",..

i went out to have my dinner just now with my friend.. on the way to the cheapest food place that we Malaysians called 'kedai jawa', he said something to me.. I was quite shocked.. haha.. He told me that I'm very different now.. and that he and possibly everyone else has been noticing the changes in me and which he honestly solute.. haha.. weird eh? I dont even try even for once to make others realize about it, but I guess action does speak by itself.. 

Well, I see that as a further motivation for me to keep doing what I did.. I have mixed feelings nowadays.. I'm so tensed of problems that happened in my life that somehow seem unavoidable and endless, but at the same time, I am happy of who I am.. which is a good thing..nope.. a tremendous thing.. haha.

By the way, i missed my girl so much today.. not that i dont miss her any other days, i miss her all the time, but today is incredibly painful.. I missed her too much since morning.. tried telling her but she is quite busy and I dont want to pressure her into spending more time with me just because i crazily miss her.. no guys.. seriously.. I'm not joking.. I literally am going crazy of missing her.. haha..

im here..

i just got off the phone with my girl.. emmm.. shes sad about something.. she has this personal problem that is very hard to understand.. well, i made her understand about it clearly.. and i asked her to take some rest and cool herself down..

deep inside me, i blame myself for not being able to be there for her.. but things are the way the are.. and i cant change the fact that i'll be stuck here for the next 4 years.. i really hope i did my part well.. in making sure that she is ok and that she is in full awareness that i will always attend to her no matter what.. i might not be there for her, but i will be here for her.. and i will always do the best for her..

i myself is in whole lot of problems.. just wrote the previous blog just now.. (read the previous blog to find out).. and despite feeling so weak, i somehow, out of nowhere stimulates the strong side of me and came out with lots of ways to make her understand the situation, channel up some posititve aura to her and trying to make her feel better.. emm.. the power of love..

Depression is depressing, yup, it is

i dont feel that good today.. well, im feeling quite bad actually.. having this lil headache and some joint pain.. and my mind is stressed by reasons that i myself couldn't figure out..

i have a very early in the morning clinical skill lab tomorrow and seriously, i have this feeling that i will not be able to wake up early tomorrow.. sigh..

my whole body feels weak.. so weak.. i have a severe sleep disturbance.. i slept either too short or too long.. i've been thinking about problems again and again.. it is mostly like i'm doing this intentionally.. it is like my mind is telling me to stress myself out and keep thinking.. weird, isn't it?

i dont like being tensed, nobody does.. but now, my body is telling me to be tensed.. to be sick.. i am totally out of control.. i have to take quite a long time just to write this down.. medically, in my opinion, i'm having an acute depression.. but of course, i cant take my own opinion too seriously because i'm just a 2nd year student anyway.. huhhh... just hoping to feel better soon.. 

partyyy (not me)

my girl has just finished her final exam and is planning to go to a party tonight at a club in mont kiara if im not mistaken.. emmmm.. as jealous as i am, i let her go anyway.. haha.. she needs sometime for herself.. enjoying life.. 

i kinda have this problem that i was born with high level of jealous hormones (there is no such thing actually) and i am always worried about her.. i know by not letting her go, she will think that i dont trust her which is totally wrong.. i do trust her, just that im afraid, thats all.. and i know i am not able to explain that to her without her assuming that i dont trust her, so to make it simple, i let her go and have fun tonight..

she deserves to enjoy tonight, deserves to be happy.. i know she had gone through quite a rough month.. exams and personal problems (which cannot be stated here).. she cried and cried and cried so many times that i think this is the right time to finally release everything and have fun at the party.. i just want her to know that i really care about her.. and that is the ultimate reason im ok with the whole party thing.. im jealous, but i love her more and care for her more.. so i want her to go.. if there is anything in the world that could make her feel even a little bit better, i would totally do it no matter how hard it is.. because she is my syg.. haha.. and i know my syg.. i know she will take good care of herself.. i really hope she enjoy herself tonight.. go girl!!

mama's thing

em.. i haven't been writing for quite some time.. i guess nothing much happens to me lately.. i just received a call from my mum yesterday telling me her plan of opening up her own restaurant.. i think its a good idea.. she suffered long enough working at that so-called big company (due to legal reason, the name of that stupid company cannot be disclose here).. my mum was a very good corporate and business planner and has a natural talent on marketing strategy.. unfortunately for her, shes been working with a company that fail to reward her of her capabilities and she ends up quitting the job after the last 5 painful months working without salary.. in my calculation, they owe her hundreds of thousands.. emm.. unlucky for her.. shes starting a new business with a partner whom had suffered in the same company.. they both quit and is currently planning to open a restaurant and a few other business together..

 goodluck to her and wish her all the best..

(no idea of the title)

tiring day, had my pbl (problem-based learning) in the morning followed by phylosophy science, the class that the purpose and future application remains unknown and still very much doubted.. the 1st pbl last week, i got a congestive cardiomyopathy case and for the 2nd one is angina pectoris which i assume is simpler..

supposed to have classes after lunch break but i did not go and have a nice long nap on my comfy bed in my lovely room.. haha. btw, for those who wonder how my room is doing right now, it is currently an a worrying stage where garbages start to accumulate again..

ok gtg, need to call her.. ;)

she gave the meaning..

have u ever felt that life is meaningless? well, think again.. perhaps the meaning of life is far beyond your interpretation that u just simply couldnt understand no matter how hard u've tried.. hm.. or perhaps it has so many meanings that u dont know which is which.. 1 thing for sure, it is never meaningless..

i live a life full of uncertainties.. not knowing what will happen next.. afraid of what will happen next, because life isnt always beautiful.. so i always decide to pay more attention to what i already have.. in this case, i emphasize more on my personal relationship with a very special girl in my life..

i am always afraid of losing her, knowing that my life wouldnt be the same without her.. so i choose to do it differently in this relationship.. i tried to eliminate every uncertainties, eradicate every doubts and i want everything to be perfect despite a severe drawback of a long distance relationship.. so i made both of us to promise few essential things to ensure that we wont loose what we had together.. i do this to be certain.. god knows i hate uncertainties.. i live with uncertainties.. but with her.. i just want something different.. i want the best for her.. because no one can ever possibly understand how much i love her and that i want everything that is best for her..

i dont care and will never care to what extend i have to sacrifice just to make her happy and i know one day she will realized that..i have sacrificed a lot, so much that i can be proud of myself and will keep sacrificing and not even for 1 second that i ever wish she could have done the same.. for whatever worth doing, no matter how hard it is, i always do it anyway.. why? because i am nothing compared to her and it will be my honor to prioritize the person that i love.. my biggest mistake is i am paranoid of lies.. not because i dont trust her, but because i love her too much that i want to be certain all the time.. i wish one day she will realize how much im afraid of losing her.. that i always have reason to do everything and that such reason might and might not be told to her.. my paranoia can sometimes hurt her and i swear i would never intentionally hurt her..

i always felt that i dont deserve anything in the world, but with her, i felt that everything does not matter anymore.. she is everything i ever wanted.. she is my everything..  she gives me meaning of my life.. and such meaning my dear readers, are the most beautiful meaning of all those in world that demand understanding.. and such feeling has no listed word in dictionary to reflects upon.. i have done everything i could possibly done to make her happy.. she might see what i did yesterday and see it again today separately.. so she never really has the chance to look back of everything.. everything..  one day she will see everything all at once and she will realized.. she will..

mr. lonely

have u ever felt alone and lonely despite lots of companions? is a weird feeling of which u will start assuming that u r severely depressed.. haaha.. 

im having lots of problems and seriously after my so-called changes, i felt better.. however, i start noticing that my changes are now compromised by the way i live my life lately.. in other words, my changes are not consistent..pheww.. and when im tensed thinking about my problems i usually at that particular time feel alone.. if people around me has problems which i think needed immediate attention, i would have sacrifice anything to attend to it.. the same thing does not goes back to me which makes me feel alone and lonely.. haha. but seriously, i need to be aware all the time that i  might be depressed and which my head can be solely influence by severely disturbed emotions on which make me incapable of thinking straight.. so i need to stop thinking that other people dont care about me because such feelings are due to my psychological instabilities.. tough life eh..haha

peace

i've changed a lot lately.. trying to be a better person for everyone and myself.. well, as usual, changes are hard.. its not hard to change but it is hard to be consistent and maintain such changes.. changes in my life require some sort of tuning or adaptation.. which i am still currently figuring out..

well, the best part about changing this time is that i finally felt peace in me.. its weird.. so weird that i cannot describe it in words (i'm going to try anyway).. 

sometimes we feel angry and tired and fed up deep inside us even though such feeling does not manifests itself physically.. theres so many things inside our head that sometime able to affect our judgement and mood.. i used to be a happy cheerful person.. well, of course when im around other people.. i dont want people to see the miserable part of me.. when im alone, i'll be thinking about stuffs that happened to me and usually be tensed about it.. all of the sudden, upon this drastic changes of myself, such feelings do not exist anymore.. but that doesnt mean i dont have problems anymore or that my problems have vanished.. i still have problems and i still think about them all the time, but i felt this feeling that i am now strong enough to handle them emotionally.. my changes make me emotionally stronger and more positive.. haha.. 

i am not sure wether i am happy, but definitely having a very nice feeling.. 

sleep is actually quite hard

i write this particular post due to severe sleep disturbance that occur to me tonight.. tried to sleep for more than 1 hour already.. sigh..

this is pretty much what i need to do tomorrow.. i have classes in the morning, as early as 7.30am and will be having histology quiz and pathology anatomy lab after lunch break.. 

boring day again..

emm.. maybe.. just maybe.. my sleep disturbance is due to me missing someone.. someone who i assume will be reading this blog tomorrow and smile to herself.. hehe.. love ya..

life : how i see it

life has so much to offer.. we are blessed with so many things in life.. things that we often, as a normal human being, forget and take them for granted.. we wish we could have them all.. but the reality is, we simply wont.. but that doesnt mean we cant aim high and be ambitious about anything.. 

1 person cannot have evrything, or else, there wont be anough for the 2nd person.. and in this world, there are definitely more than just 2 persons living.. how often do we look back and be grateful of what we already have? relative to the time we spend looking at things that we dont have or yet to achieve? human, in its nature are prone to chase things and wanting more and more everytime..seriously, no one is excluded from this theory.. but logically, if people can have whatever they want anytime anywhere, people will keep asking for more and more until there is practically nothing left and more to achieve..then people will start wanting the whole world to him or herself or possibly wanting to be God.. remeber, there is always reason beneath everything..

we might not get what we want all the time but we are able to achieve what we want.. which comes with efforts.. again, human in its nature, when left with options to do the right thing or easy thing, we often choose the easy thing.. which in the end wont sound as easy.. trust me.. i do believe that if we want something, we need to execute such efforts that worth the things that we want.. if we want more, we simply have to work more.. and remember, always be grateful of what we already have.. yes, some people are born with so many things and they dont even have to work hard for it and yes, we often compare ourselves with these kind of people.. but remember, the existence of these lucky people doesnt mean we are unlucky.. we are equally lucky but in different sense.. the sense that again, in our nature, oftenly took for granted..

always believe that we will achieve what we want when we put efforts in it.. a pretty girl once argued this with me, saying that as we are young and still studying, how far can the efforts be executed anyway? due to hectic schedule, there is simply no way to put more efforts and student's life is practically full of limitations.. so she was forced to just give up and accept everything.. 1 MAJOR mistake, its good to finally accept who you are and that you might not getwhat you want everytime, but it is so wrong to give up.. when i mention 'effort' , it doesnt directly refers to hard labour work.. 

remember, life is a process, what u do now determine what u will do next and therefore directly determine what u will achieve.. if we are still studying, then study hard, be successful, get good jobs and we are able to shower the future with things that we always dreamed of and probably more.. i repeat, MORE.. but, such process that we commonly called 'life' requires time.. be patience.. some people would argue, "hey, i cant wait long for what i want because i want it now..", haha.. yup2. agree.. but remember this 2 points. 1) if u get everything now, then there will be nothing left to achieved in the future.. 2) if u get everything as easy as that, there wont be as high in value to what u achieved with efforts and patience.. 

life in our own view defers.. pretty or ugly is solely depend on how u choose to see it.. i might not be financially blessed so far, but i will one day be a rich, happy and humble doctor.. notice the word 'happy' and 'humble'? well, that i achieved through hardwork and experiences, through laughter and tears.. and say if i achieve what i want now, those 2 words might not be familliar..

i am happy as i am, blessed with a great family, a loving and extremely cute girl (she usually hates it when i say that).. and that i am able to study and live my life.. 

finally

wohoo.. i cleaned up my room already.. now i can call it a room.. shiny, clean and tidy room.. huhu. finally.. i thought at first i wont be able to fulfill my plan again, but i was wrong.. It took me glorious 6 hours to clean up the mess that had been accumulated for 6 months..

however.. exposure to dangerous contageous microbacterias that had been nicely cultured in my room is not something anyone should take lightly.. as the result i am currently having a high fever due to unknown infection.. adoi